The New York Times ran a recent article “All Joy, No Fun: Why Parents Hate Parenting” by Jennifer Senior that has been much blogged about. So naturally, I’ll pile on. The article can be found here: http://nymag.com/news/features/67024/index2.html
The article spans six pages explaining what most parents already know – parenting can be a grinding, repetitive job. Parenting doesn’t always result in day-to-day happiness. So why do we still breed? The article also notes:
“For many of us, purpose is happiness—particularly those of us who find moment-to-moment happiness a bit elusive to begin with. Martin Seligman, the positive-psychology pioneer who is, famously, not a natural optimist, has always taken the view that happiness is best defined in the ancient Greek sense: leading a productive, purposeful life. And the way we take stock of that life, in the end, isn’t by how much fun we had, but what we did with it. (Seligman has seven children.)”
I agree from my own life that parenting has given me needed purpose. It’s hard for me to not read this article in connection with my last blog post. If I didn’t have parenting duties, most of what I’d be doing would involve sleeping and getting sloshed (and recovering from getting sloshed). By my own estimate in compiling the list – about 90% of it. With the remaining 10%, I swear I’d write more (right). In looking back on life it almost seems like a no-brainer. Would I have rather spent the past decade or so molding/protecting the young lives I was entrusted with? Or would it make me happier to look back on it all and say “well you only get one life, so I’m glad I made a good drunk/nap out of it.”
The article spans six pages explaining what most parents already know – parenting can be a grinding, repetitive job. Parenting doesn’t always result in day-to-day happiness. So why do we still breed? The article also notes:
“For many of us, purpose is happiness—particularly those of us who find moment-to-moment happiness a bit elusive to begin with. Martin Seligman, the positive-psychology pioneer who is, famously, not a natural optimist, has always taken the view that happiness is best defined in the ancient Greek sense: leading a productive, purposeful life. And the way we take stock of that life, in the end, isn’t by how much fun we had, but what we did with it. (Seligman has seven children.)”
I agree from my own life that parenting has given me needed purpose. It’s hard for me to not read this article in connection with my last blog post. If I didn’t have parenting duties, most of what I’d be doing would involve sleeping and getting sloshed (and recovering from getting sloshed). By my own estimate in compiling the list – about 90% of it. With the remaining 10%, I swear I’d write more (right). In looking back on life it almost seems like a no-brainer. Would I have rather spent the past decade or so molding/protecting the young lives I was entrusted with? Or would it make me happier to look back on it all and say “well you only get one life, so I’m glad I made a good drunk/nap out of it.”
I guess I can easily make this analysis about the grind of my personal parenting life, because I feel I’m pretty closely tuned to the reality of human nature (well at least my own). I’m a novelist. It’s my job. I’m imaginative – not delusional. I see that what I have is 200% better than what I don’t have. I get that not everybody is in the same spot. A lot of the parents interviewed for the article (and quoted from the studies) seem to be contrasting their current life (with kids) against a wholly non-existent – but nonetheless shiny and seductive - reality. In this alternative existence (without kids) life is more fun, daring, filled with adventure, creative and sexy. Really? Honestly? Are you sure – 100% sure – that if you weren’t parenting right now you be a spy/deep sea adventurer/expat in Paris writing a novel while bedding Jean and Pierre-Luc at the same time? Were you living that life when you were single?
I admit I had my first child pretty young. Most of my 20’s were spent pushing a baby buggy, not hitting the clubs. But still I remember that single life wasn’t all that great. I had three jobs. There wasn’t a lot of time for fun. When I had time I couldn’t afford fun. I’m pretty certain that without my children I’d weigh 50 pounds more and be taking some anti-depressants with my gin. I’d also probably be alone and wondering why I seemed so “stuck” and unable to relate to other people in my life through meaningful relationships. Why? Because only parenting taught me how to do that.
How to feel and empathize weren’t the only things I learned from parenting. I also learned self-confidence and leadership. I discovered that I couldn’t let fear alone drive my life. Parenting is an MBA graduate-level course in time management and delegation. And on yeah – I figured out how to love. Without these skills – learned exclusively from parenting – I doubt that I’d be where I am today (which is happily grinding on through parenthood).
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